Daughter - Smother
Daughter - Smother
I was ready to move on. I had stopped hoping that we would eventually work it out and I picked myself out of bed and decided to move on with my life.
I wrote him off.
Of course, several days of not hearing from my pathetic self, he reached out as though nothing happened. As though he hadn’t forgotten to call me or lied to me. Whatever.
Over the last two days he’s decided to string me along and I immediately became reattached to the idea that we were going to work things out and live happily ever after.
After everything, he decides that HE doesn’t want to do this anymore. Great buddy, one step ahead of you but you had to drag me back didn’t you? It’s amazing that someone tells you they won’t judge you for figuring your life out or disbelief the fact that 15 credits is a full semester’s course load and have to go online in order to prove that you’re wrong only to find that you’re right and that he’s the asshole? Whatever.
It’s also amazing that immediately before his decision, he tells me about how his psychology friend back in college once told him that he’s too insecure to have a functioning relationship with someone so strong (his first gf) and that he’d end up abusing her.
I can’t be more done with this. I will never let him in again. I have no desire to hear from him, to talk to him, to even think of him. I am done. He’s treated my heart like an emotional punching back enough.
I don’t deserve this fucking bullshit.
Tired of making excuses for you. It hurts but there is so much more to life. I deserve better than this.
This weekend was one of the worst weekends in recent memory but I would like to report that I’ve made it out in one piece. The idea of having vague plans that never materialized into anything was daunting. I never used to have any time to myself and it was all I craved and now that I had it, I was afraid of it, as though I was using a busy schedule to serve as a distraction for how I really felt about myself.
Looking back, I realize that during the first half of this weekend, I started really questioning myself. I questioned my worth, my intelligence, my attractiveness, personality, you name it. I was hard on myself and today by the end of it, I realize how silly I was being.
Picking myself up and out of bed this afternoon was the best thing I could’ve done for myself. I went to look at a new apartment that I had no real plans of moving into, got myself a cup of coffee and went to a book store. I felt miserable and lonely the whole time but at least I was out and not crying in bed like I had been doing.
It was scary the way I was acting and the thoughts that were going through my mind were even more terrifying. He was in the center of my world and all my thoughts were spiraling out of my grasp even though I knew it was crazy. In that moment, only he mattered. What he thought and how he felt about me which I’m sure I over-exaggerated in my head. I hope he forgives me, but right now it’s not about him. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen.
Right now I’m excited about my life. I’m divulging my room of all the material things that no longer serve my life any purpose and are only weighing me down and it feels incredible.
I looked in the mirror and I gave myself a reassuring smile. I know I’m going to fall into another pit of despair at some point or another but I trust that I know how to get myself out of it. I trust that I am strong enough to overcome deepest fears, even if it is of my own self. This is all part of the growing and learning process and I’m going to come out the other end a stronger more independent woman and I’m excited about it.
I trust that everything is as it should be.
Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
Yesterday from start to end, I can easily say it was one of the toughest days for me emotionally. I woke up a mess and cried myself to sleep.
I felt so shallow and so pathetic and worthless. I reached a dark place that I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to pull myself out of. Fortunately, after a brief continuation of yesterday’s feelings, I woke up stronger today.
I realized that by telling him that I missed him, I was giving him all the power. Power that I had scrounge for but had nonetheless. I’m bargaining with him and thus bargaining with my well being. I know he’s a liar, I know he’s selfish and I know he’s a sociopath. In denial? Remember all those times you saw things for themselves and he still tried to convince you that you’re crazy and psychotic? Yeah, he’s a sociopath.
How did I get roped back into this mess? I just want to continue with my life but sometimes it feels like I have nothing else to live for. Remembering the good times makes my life now seem so miserable but it shouldn’t. I need to remember that in those moments, all I wanted was to be free. I need to go back to that day that I sat at that bus station and that sigh of relief that washed over me when I told him I wasn’t coming back with him. I need to remember the strength that it took and that feeling like I had no other choice when he called me back to tell me that he couldn’t leave.
It hurts thinking about that moment because I think about how “happy” I could be right now. How I won’t feel as lonely as I do now. But I know I’m strong and I know it’s for the best. It really doesn’t feel like it now, but I deserve more and I will have more. Now is the time to work on myself.
Despite knowing all this, it’s still very difficult. The hurt that I feel from being lied to and knowing he’s lying to me but still holding on to that sliver of hope that maybe he isn’t, despite knowing better is the source of my pain.
It hurts but I have more to live for than to continue playing these games. This is how it always is. We break up, he’s all happy go lucky and the second I show any sign of moving on, suddenly, he’s all heartbroken and wanting this to work.
Whenever we break up, suddenly there’s this girl and that girl and all the things he’s told me he wouldn’t do together or apart. I need to stop being surprised. I need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt because he doesn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve my love, my good-will and all my chances.
The result is always the same. I am left in a shadow of myself, mourning the pieces that he’s chipped away, thinking that there’s no way to continue without him.
There is. I know there is. I’m doing great things with my life. I’m going places and people see things in me that I don’t always see in myself. Perhaps the biggest problem is that I’ve taken myself for granted.
In a year, I’m going to look back and wonder how I ever felt this way.
As I sip on the hot coffee that my dad got me when I woke up this morning, I’ll remember that I have a family that loves me unconditionally. That they will offer all the love and support I will ever need.
Everything I do reminds me of him. I miss him so much. Why is it so hard…
You are a master manipulator. I am stunned every time you lie to me and every time, I think, hey, why should I be surprised? It’s the same as it ever was and I should stop thinking that it will be anything other than what it is. He’s a liar. He’s a manipulator and he will do or say ANYTHING to get his way.
He’s selfish. He isn’t on my side or on our side. He has one side and it’s all his.
NOTHING HE SAYS IS TRUTHFUL.
The amazing part is yesterday, when he told a lie which was closer to the truth of this lie, then another lie to cover up that lie to make it seem like he’s being a genuine person but coming forward about his lie, when in fact he was lying to you the whole time about a worser initial lie. MASTER MANIPULATOR.
Stop being such an idiot and trying to see the best in him. He doesn’t deserve it. He isn’t it. Everything is a lie. He can promise anything he wants, they’re just words. Even when I catch you in a lie and ask you follow up questions, you hesitate because in your mind you are deliberating what you can get away with. I’m fucking smart.
I AM DONE.
I haven’t spoken to you in almost a week. I’m not outwardly sad but every morning I wake up, I hope I get through the day with a mild sense of happiness.
The things that used to make me happy don’t make me happy anymore. It’s depressing hearing my friends talk about how they just want a man that wants to settle down, etc, etc. knowing that I chose to walk away from that life. Am I making a big mistake? No. I’m just afraid of waking up one morning believing that I had lost the love of my life. Apparently you’re not supposed to live in fear though, so let’s pretend we know that isn’t going to happen.
For some reason, I’m thinking about how you told me your relationship with her was better. Or the time you asked one of my best friends if she’d tell me he was bringing other girls home. Whatever gets me through the day.
“I spent a large part of my life chasing an ideal that is not mine. I wanted to find my soul mate, my other half. I wanted to marry a man and lose myself in some sort of fairy tale. I swear I know it sounds ridiculous, but I was waiting for someone to appear and take me away from everything I didn’t want to deal with.
The pain. The heartache. The reality of life, and the people who tear me down everyday. I wanted to find the healing salve for my wounds. I thought if I continued to ride through life I would eventually find the path I had been searching for. I felt I knew the way so strongly.”
“I was always scared to be alone. I thought if I went after something so boldly – I would lose everything. I would lose friends, lose love interests, love contacts and lose what I thought was important.
But what I realize now, and more everyday, is I am not losing anything that is not truly mine.”
“For the first time in my life – I am leaning hardest on my family. I am seeking their advice, their love and encouragement, and thankfully they are walking with me.
So why wouldn’t I throw everything into the wind, and dive into something I feel strongly about?
Isn’t it time? Isn’t it the day, the year, to take control of my life and say loudly, “THIS is what I want.” All the while knowing I have no idea how to get it, but completely aware of the knowledge that I can attain my dreams if I don’t give up.
And if I don’t let fear take control.”